random bits I don't remember writing, all dated nov. 2013

these things were supposed to mean nothing to me but instead
i discovered a rabid pulsing, as if there were a bomb atop the armchair located in the ugliest cave of my mind. amidst all the apathy i found scattered bursts of compassion and the possibilities of undefiled goodness. this is a process of learning to react nicely to the world, instead of convincing myself that the world exists to respond to me. man was made to be pleasant. i am a scatterbrain in a sense, but then the very essence of the earth cognitively comes in unexpected fragments: the niceness of the world and a polished version of myself should make an efficient team. the art i long to create is inseparable from nature's materials and the anatomy of twisted glamor; the presence of raw circumstance and all that is stirred by the tide. i'd love to see a divine convergence take place.

i am not ready to assert authority. i am not bound to any current motives which will ultimately prove stale and easy to drown. i am a reflection of my environment- stating otherwise would be a futile idea. i am hissing at the recoil. oppressive backdrops- opaque blue- the fading, diminutive moment of the truest form of dawn. it is a delightful array of personalities unveiling, breaking themselves apart in the positive radiance of kind light. what light is: a gift. light is a glint of trust- a mystic color of transparency- a glimmer of fragility that dethrones the dead and gloomy. i am to shine light on the tombs, quietly and kind-heartedly, with butterflies in my brain; in order to undo the deflowering. i carry the torch with me. my demons should not be able to catch up any time soon.

i'm drawing a blank on the wall to atone for all the vandalism i've never inscribed. i'm drawing a tank on a wall in my house to justify fortitude. i'm drawing a brain on my forehead to show that what's inside is not always meant to be hidden. but then all i really need is to draw a blank on my mind. dreams are floating down like flowers strapped to balloons. nightmares are floating down like whatever else you could compare them to. mysterious - miss devious - bird of pray - a holy kneel - run across a purple ocean: they contain your smoothest dreams and all the days during which your pain was greatest. you deserve paradise and a choir, singing the songs of you best moments. bear my sorrow in the womb;

your blindness hurts me. the fact that everything is void hurts me. i suppose i demand too much and crave too much yet take much more than i provide; this makes me a menace- a malignant mote of dust, a negatively inclined leaf on a branch, a stinking old taxidermy collection. oftentimes i exercise the perspective of a chess piece: cunning, drearily and idly subjective; and always on the move. moving small moves is chiefly the key. i am also an instrument. my master manipulates my journey and i welcome it. this is how things must happen. i do not want a chain on my brain. but things happen.

coming down the stairs are a thousand pounds worth of heavenly + furious dreams- which is great because i'm hungry. did you know that i'm spending my life searching for a satellite? it's ridiculous. i always want what i cannot have and i am afraid that my life will continue on this way. i dread it. sometimes i'm tired of writing poetry and other emotional compositions- these get dreary and repetitive but then they fill my head and there is no escaping them, at least anytime soon. my heart wants to write about things that are more real- information that will make more sense to an immediate audience, but i'm having difficulties transitioning. perhaps i really am writing merely for myself.

being carried away by deceptive spirits - please grab my ankles and pull me back to my room where my piano is. we're thriving on the high of luminosity while the biggest cities sit choking my inner sanctity. i am gone now. you're the one who's found a home in the sky. your strength is focus; mine is decadence. notice your cadence- that's the beat i'm dying for.

 contented by deliverance

silenced by redemption

satisfied by temperance

numbed by attrition

the deathly awareness attributed to time and suffrage.

today i watched the mountains float above my head

colossal mounds of stone and greenery.

waterfalls cascaded down to the depths,

those dark places that had no definite bottom.

but up there, the colors were radiant. everything was beautiful- the complete absence of shadows: prevalent-

atop the heavenly coalescence of light,

knowledge,

and elevation, entombed in

a single leaf.

I could hear the ringing of the earth's core there.

underneath all the metaphors and the makeup there is a sleepy sort of pain. but i like this. one cannot be fully human or interesting if they are not pained. soft and happy and perfect is boring as a white brick. the glow becomes rather deathly sometimes, though; the prelude which was supposed to contain only the introduction has evolved into the actual musical tapestry- the linear geological history of the mountains; the Bible of the Wood.

inevitable confluence- flustered by the aggregate of thought - amazed by the determination of the wilful and magical.

yet i cannot complain as the world as it is wails because its every crevice is filled with sin and subliminal voices. a cyanide angel turns rabid and bleeds out ambition and withers into herself and reincarnates into a solitary type that is never noticed nor cared for, which is the sole purpose of a sad thing that wishes for company but has been refused such. the plant craves a satisfying drink that will transport its consciousness into a dimension of memory and illusions pristine, in which the colors are luminous and pure and the light is abundant as air- the shadows absent as heavenly fragrances. in such a place my dreams are valid and are at play; the clouds are underneath my feet and the earth is nowhere to be seen. death is an accessory and misogyny has never been introduced and never will be. drink up! distribute this dreamy liquid and ensure that every living person achieves elevation, which in this case means that they put down their electronic devices during mealtimes.